Refuge
by koaladeb
Summary: {CSI Miami} In the aftermath of a personal and professional crisis, Calleigh flees to find some answers. Will Horatio be able to bring her back?
1. Default Chapter

Refuge By koaladeb  
  
Summary: In the aftermath of a personal and professional crisis, Calleigh flees to find some answers. Will Horatio be able to bring her back?  
  
Disclaimer: I tossed a penny into a fountain the other day, so I guess I'm still waiting to hear if my wish came true and they suddenly belong to me.  
  
Rating: Pg 13, some language, but the examples of it are few and far between.  
  
Pairing: H/C. and we're talking the REAL H, not that puffed up piece of meat they call a detective  
  
Spoilers: I started this a while back but had trouble finishing, so for the sake of this one story, pretend Big Brother didn't happen. References to Grave Young Men (season 1) and Best Defense (season 2)  
  
Dedication: In the (approx.) six months that I have been a part of the H/C list, I learned more about myself than I could possibly express (even with my level of wordiness!), so this is for all of you at the list-for your acceptance, encouragement, and friendship.  
  
A/N: First off, thank you to Laeta for betaing this for me over the holidays. it was above and beyond! Second, I fully confess to playing a little fast and loose with the location. For the sake of accuracy, I would have set this story on a "real" island, but the name was just too good to pass up. There really is an island named Refuge Key, and it is about three hours from Miami, but it is, well, a wildlife refuge. No hotels, and as a matter of fact, no roads that go there either. In reality, it is a tiny island next to No Name Key, which is part of the National Key Deer Refuge, and near the Great White Heron National Wildlife Refuges. No Name Key is attached by bridge to Big Pine Key, where there is more civilization. Hey- all fiction is a willing suspension of disbelief anyway, right?  
  
If you are interested in learning more about the refuges in the Florida Keys, I recommend checking out -(you need Adobe Acrobat to see this page)- it is a beautiful, full-color brochure about the Refuges, and you can get plenty of information about wildlife, history, and conservation efforts there. As a bonus, if you go to page 13, Refuge key is where the orange symbol for the nature trail is found. or you can go to & address=&city=Refuge+Key&state=FL&zipcode=&historyid=&submit=Get+Map and zoom in (it takes about 3 or 4 levels to get there) until you can see it.  
  
And yes, I am a complete nerd who actually researched all of this for the sole purpose of providing links to all of you.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
And now, putting an end to the author's notes that know no end, I present "Refuge."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Friday, 3pm  
  
Horatio walked out of the County court house whistling a breezy tune. He had just finished his testimony in a murder trial and was pleased with the way it had been received. He felt fully confident justice would be served.  
  
He stopped whistling when he saw Eric on the front steps. The younger man was agitated, checking his watch and scanning the people exiting the building, looking for someone. Horatio did not need to ask who; Eric made a beeline in his direction as soon as his foot connected with the first step.  
  
"I know I should be at work," Eric started quickly, leading him towards the parking lot, "but Speed dropped me off to grab you as soon as you came out. Something happened this morning you should know about."  
  
"Well?" Horatio prompted, annoyed when Eric stopped speaking.  
  
"In the car," Eric replied. "This isn't something you want to hear in public."  
  
They made their way to the Hummer he had driven to court. Horatio started the vehicle and exited the parking lot, heading for the lab. Once they hit the main street, he glanced over at Eric, commanding him without words to start explaining.  
  
"This morning, Detective Hagan was taken into custody and charged with accepting a bribe. It was some kind of sting. They've been watching him for about a month now. Irrefutable evidence."  
  
Horatio sighed. This kind of thing always made the department look bad. The fact that Hagan was dirty was not completely unexpected, but surprising nonetheless. He glanced at Eric again, taking in his apprehensive look.  
  
"There's something more you're not telling me."  
  
Eric nodded and kept his eyes firmly locked on the front window, not wanting to see Horatio's reaction. "IAB pulled Calleigh in for questioning."  
  
Restraining the urge to swear, Horatio concentrated on the road in front of him. The only outward sign that he had even heard Eric was a tightening of his grip on the wheel and a subtle increase in their speed. He did not know who to be more furious with- IAB for pulling this stunt or Hagan for getting her involved in his mess.  
  
Hagan was getting his, so Horatio focused on the paranoid, pompous, pseudo- cops over at IAB. How dare they? There was no way Calleigh was dirty, no possible chance she would get involved in any kind of misconduct.  
  
Horatio was sure they knew it, too. Whatever surveillance they had done to investigate Hagan would exonerate Calleigh. This was an underhanded, spiteful stab at his team, a way to retaliate for the embarrassment he had inflicted on them over a year ago with the Dispo Day investigation.  
  
His voice was eerily calm as he asked, "Why didn't someone call me?"  
  
"I think they timed it so that we couldn't," Eric answered, glancing over at his supervisor, hearing the controlled tightness in his voice. "As soon as they came barging in with accusations we tried to call you, but the trial had already started. Speed sent me to the courthouse to get you, but you were on the stand. They knew the trial was scheduled to run through lunch. They had all day."  
  
Horatio absorbed the information in silence. When they arrived at the lab, he pulled into the first available parking spot and was out the door before Eric could even undo his seatbelt. He walked quickly and with purpose into the building, slowing only when he saw Speed waiting in the lobby. He did not even need to ask.  
  
"They released her just about two hours ago. Bastards pulled her into an interrogation room and denied her a union rep. Said it was unnecessary considering she was only being questioned in regards to Hagan's activities and not her own. She was grilled for four hours. Four hours! Then they suddenly let her go. Seems the paperwork mentioned something about her being perfectly in the clear, but they had overlooked that particular detail. They had the gall to apologize for any "inconvenience" they might have caused."  
  
Horatio was seething. He could only imagine the kind of hell they put her through, asking her to evaluate every moment of the time she had spent with Hagan only moments after informing her he had been arrested. And four hours? Heads were going to roll. No one treated his people like this. He momentarily entertained the thought of heading over to IAB and lighting into some people, but his concern for Calleigh's well-being won out less than a heartbeat later.  
  
"Where is she now?"  
  
"I don't know. She took off as soon as they released her. We've tried her at home and on her cell, but she's not answering."  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
4pm  
  
Calleigh checked in to the shabby roadside motel. She had not planned on stopping; she had planned on driving until the torment of the day's events stopped plaguing her. But as she crossed yet another bridge, she had realized that it would be no use outrunning something bottled inside her own heart. Besides, the Keys only stretched out so far and she was going to run out of road sooner rather than later; and the name of the island had appealed to her. Refuge Key.  
  
The small room key with its rusted chain and faded oval disk almost brought a smile to her face. There would be no modern keycard to deal with, nothing reminiscent of the advances technology had made in the past few years, nothing to remind her of the lab and the people she had left behind.  
  
She had no bag, only her purse and the key. Stepping into the dark room, she was assailed with the smell of stale cigarettes, musty air, and a hint of citrus cleaning solution. She flicked on a light, and the room was now dimly illuminated by a solitary lamp sitting on one of the motel- traditional bedside tables. Calleigh allowed her purse to slide from her shoulder to the floor and dropped the key next to the lamp. This room would do. 


	2. Part 2

Refuge 2/4 By koaladeb  
  
Disclaimer information in part 1  
  
~~~~~  
  
5pm  
  
Horatio's office looked like a war zone. His normally organized desk was covered in papers, maps, phone books, and a half-eaten sandwich Alexx had tried to force into him. In the two hours since he had been told of Calleigh's disappearance, his team had made no progress in locating her.  
  
Alexx had driven to Calleigh's home, only to call back and report everything looked as though she had not been there. She brought an address book back with her, however, and Eric had started to work through it. Speed was attempting to pull some strings and get information on her credit cards, dialing hotels on another line every time he was put on hold.  
  
No one asked why it was so important to find her. If anyone else in the lab had thought about it for a couple of minutes, they would have wondered why they were searching for Calleigh when she was not even missing. She had not resigned or been kidnapped; there was no evidence to indicate she had even left the city. The only sign that something was even wrong was the fact that she had still not answered any of her phones or returned any pages.  
  
For the group gathered in Horatio's office, however, there was no question about why; there was only a need to locate, to intercept, and to comfort. Speed, Eric, and Alexx had all seen the look on her face as she walked out of the interrogation room. She had looked defeated and lost, two words never before associated with Calleigh Duquesne.  
  
Horatio was driven by something more than simple concern. Fury and fear were the two strongest emotions he could identify. He was burning over what had happened and terrified when he considered the potential fallout. He remembered what it was like to be pulled in by IAB and questioned- he had gone through several "sessions" when Ray had died. And no matter how innocent you were, the questions always made you question yourself, doubt yourself.  
  
He needed to find Calleigh before those questions destroyed the faith she had in her ability to do her job or manage her life. He did not want to face the possibility that he might lose her over this- as a colleague, as a friend, as. He could not think in those terms right now. His feelings were not the issue at hand, hers were.  
  
Horatio felt his cell phone vibrate and he glanced at the caller id before pressing 'connect'. He raised a hand as he answered, and the room fell silent. Within two minutes, he was picking up his jacket and heading out the door.  
  
"That was the lojack people. I've got a location."  
  
He did not even stop to answer the different variations on "where?" that followed him out of the office. They had talked briefly earlier about what would happen once they knew where she had gone. Horatio made it clear he was going to talk to her first, and alone. Everyone else would have their chance when Calleigh felt up for a mass visit.  
  
He checked the clock in the Hummer as he made his way towards the interstate and the Overseas Highway. He didn't need to ask why she had felt the need to go so far; after Ray's death and his interviews with IAB, he had made it all the way to Key West. Right now, the parallel between his experience and Calleigh's was not comforting. He had come incredibly close to giving up, resigning his position, leaving Miami and never looking back. Even though he had not quit, when he had returned from his trip he had pulled away from everyone; unwilling to show any sign of pain while he dealt with the doubts alone.  
  
Calleigh was the person who had forced him to open up again. Her faith in him had given him back his own. It was time to return the favor.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
6pm  
  
Calleigh backed up against the headboard, pushing herself tightly against it, as though she could press out the venom that was poisoning her soul. She wondered what was wrong with her. She wanted to cry, but there was nothing to mourn; she knew the loss of Hagan in her life was nothing to grieve over. She wanted to scream in frustration, but there was no single source of angst she could rid herself of; his actions were neither out of character nor surprising.  
  
She had seen it coming, in her own way. The way Hagan had always been quick to put an end to evidence evaluation as soon as he had a confession in hand. The way he would overlook a piece of evidence, or ask a CSI to do the same thing, if he thought there was any chance it might weaken his case.  
  
The signs were all there, pointing to one conclusion: dirty cop.  
  
Echoes of her "interview" swam through her mind. "How could you not have known? You're a CSI; you're supposed to pick up on every last detail. How did you not see that he was dirty?"  
  
The only explanation Calleigh could come up with was she did not to see it. She did not want to believe someone who worked side by side with her could pervert justice in such a way. It was just like being a little girl again, watching her father mete out chances and justice based on skin color. Hagan had the same attitude her father did: he had the right to determine what justice was, who got it, and how.  
  
The problem was not that Hagan was dirty or had betrayed his badge and her trust in the process; the problem was inside her.  
  
Calleigh was not sure of anything anymore. When she had moved to Miami from Louisiana, she had thought she was different. She was not going to let anyone fool her again, not like her father had. But now, facing this, she began to doubt. Every decision, every "step forward" she had made with her life. was it all a lie?  
  
That was the question eating away at her. It was what had driven her out of Miami and onto the road. Calleigh was afraid of really facing the question, and yet somehow knew that unless it was answered, she would not be able to go back. She wanted to get it over with and allow herself to be broken, but was not sure she had enough strength to pick up the pieces that would result from a brutally honest examination of her life, her soul.  
  
Fleetingly, the thought of calling Horatio crossed her mind. He would know what to do. He would know how to piece her back together again. But as soon as the thought was realized, it was discarded. With her emotions this stretched, she could not take the risk of letting something slip. She could not turn to Horatio now; it was too dangerous.  
  
No, if she called Horatio it could mean bringing to light the biggest lie within herself, the pretense which brought her to Hagan in the first place. If she leaned on Horatio, she would not be able to pretend that she had called him out of professional courtesy or simple friendship. She would be forced to admit there was something else between them, some connection that was too strong to be ignored, too precious to be discarded, and too frightening to be explored.  
  
There was a part of her, a part she kept buried deep down inside, that knew why she felt both drawn to Horatio and afraid of him at the same time. In him, she found her equal, and even more, her compliment. Calleigh suspected if you held up her soul next to Horatio's in the light of day, the ragged edges would mesh together perfectly to form a single, solid whole. That knowledge instilled a desire inside her; she craved completion, and the longing for it gnawed at her spirit in a primitive need which refused to be denied.  
  
Equally strong, however, was her sense of dread; she feared the possibility of losing herself in the connection, of no longer being able to decipher where she ended and he began. Already she had bound herself too closely to Horatio with threads of admiration and friendship; she was afraid of being overwhelmed by complete surrender.  
  
She had tried to run, from her feelings, from the only relationship that had the power to break her. Fear had driven her straight into the arms of John Hagan. She thought he was safe because she did not care for him enough to give him power over her. She thought it was her best chance of retaining what little individuality she had left.  
  
Calleigh had discovered her error that day in the lab when Horatio had walked in on her argument with John Hagan. In the span of a few brief moments, she had been forced to witness the difference between the two men and the way they treated her. While Hagan had accused her, belittled her, and used his presence like a weapon to make her feel surrounded and threatened, Horatio had shown her gentleness, respect, and given her room to breathe and recover from the wake up call she had just received.  
  
She had run to Hagan in an attempt to protect herself, only to find herself with someone who wanted to rip her spirit apart and reshape it according to his needs. Hagan saw her only as something to be conquered, a prize he could win and subsequently subordinate to his will. After that realization, there was no way she was ever going to let him anywhere near her person ever again.  
  
But in the end, Calleigh had sought out Hagan and taken him back into her life, ignoring logic, the advice of friends, even the twisting in her gut telling her he was bad news. She had betrayed her sense of self in a moment of weakness and doubt, thinking it was better to have someone like John than to be rejected by Horatio.  
  
Too late she had realized her decision destroyed her chance. Now there were no other options. Even though her mind, body, and spirit called for her to go to Horatio, to confront the feelings built up between them, she no longer had the right. By running in fear of her love being unrequited, had rejected Calleigh would have laughed at the irony if it were not so bitterly painful.  
  
Calleigh glanced around the room, looking at where her big plans had gotten her. Alone in a dingy motel room, kicking herself for ruining her chance at true love, drenched in the shock of discovering her. whatever he was, boyfriend, substitute, barrier.was a dirty cop, reeling from an interrogation from the Internal Affairs Bureau, and doubting every decision she had ever made in her life. God, she was pathetic. 


	3. Part 3

Refuge 3/4 By koaladeb  
  
Disclaimer information in part 1  
  
~~~~~  
  
8:30pm  
  
Horatio stood outside of a door, blue paint peeling back to reveal brown layers, knocking and hoping. When no one came to the door, he used the key he had gotten from the manager after flashing a badge and a twenty dollar bill.  
  
Finding Calleigh had not been as difficult as he initially had expected. The solitary hotel served the needs of those people who wanted to sleep close to the wildlife. He had wondered for a brief moment why she had chosen to go here instead of finding a nicer hotel on Big Pine Key, but understood why the idea of settling on an island named "Refuge" would appeal to someone like Calleigh, who had run away to lick her wounds.  
  
When he walked into the room, he saw her sitting on the bed, elbows resting on bent knees, leaning against the ancient headboard and staring at the wall with a steady, unfocused gaze. She didn't even stir as he walked into the room, which concerned Horatio to no end. The warmth he normally associated with her presence was absent, leaving behind a blank, hollow air that caused his heart to shudder.  
  
He settled his eyes on the bed, noticing the open book lying next to Calleigh. Approaching her, he lifted it off the bedspread and turned it so he could read right-side up.  
  
It was a Gideon's Bible, staple of hotel rooms across the country.  
  
He was curious to see what passage she had been reading and was surprised to discover it was from Deuteronomy. Scanning the pages, he finally alit on what must have captured her attention.  
  
"You must not distort justice; you must not show partiality; and you must not take bribes, for a bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and subverts the cause of those who are in the right. Justice, and only justice, you shall pursue." (Deut. 16: 19-20)  
  
He sighed and closed the book, placing it on the table before sitting down, facing her on the bed. She still had not made any indication that she had even registered his presence. He nudged one knee with his hand, hoping for a reaction. She didn't even blink, so when he heard her voice, it came as a surprise.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Her tone was too flat to make it a question, too quiet to be an accusation.  
  
"I think you should be the one answering that, not me," he replied.  
  
She was silent again. Horatio turned her head so she would face him, but Calleigh's unfocused gaze made him feel like she was looking right him instead. It unnerved him so much he shifted positions, sitting next to her against the headboard and mirroring her posture.  
  
"Talk to me, Calleigh," he pleaded. "Tell me what's going on inside that head of yours."  
  
Again, he was met with silence. He tried to wait her out, but after 20 minutes, he gave in with a sigh. Time for plan B. He got up from the bed and slid out of his suit jacket, knowing this would take some time. He walked to the door, picking up the bag he had placed there immediately after walking in. Item in hand, he turned back to the bed and its still silent occupant.  
  
She had not moved, so he reassumed his previous position next to her and opened the bag, pulling out the contents.  
  
"If you aren't going to talk, then at least you're going to eat. I stopped on Big Pine Key and grabbed you a sandwich, chips, and, well, cookies, but those we are going to share. I also managed to round up some decaf tea, which should still be warm."  
  
He placed the items on her lap as he named them, except for the tea, which he held on to. He assumed that he had gotten through to Calleigh when she sighed and dropped her head, looking at the offerings. She quietly picked up the sandwich and took a few bites before casting it aside. He handed her the tea, and she sipped it before placing it on the table next to the discarded sandwich. Horatio didn't say anything, he knew she didn't have much of an appetite; the fact she had even looked at the food was a small victory.  
  
"Tell me about what happened with IAB." He figured it was a less delicate topic, something she would be able to talk about impersonally. He was right, marginally.  
  
"There's nothing to say. They asked questions, I answered them."  
  
"They were out for blood and I'm not going to let them get away with it. I need to know more-how far did they push you?"  
  
"They didn't do anything. It was my duty to tell them everything I knew about what happened."  
  
Horatio suspected she was merely repeating some line they fed her, but he could not tell if she was being sarcastic or actually believed what she was saying. Her voice was still monotone.  
  
"And it was your right to have a union representative present at all times. They only did it to mess with you, and to piss me off. Don't let them do this to you, Cal. Don't let them win."  
  
He searched her face for any sign of a reaction, but she continued to be a blank slate he could not read. He was angry, frustrated, and scared, wondering if he had arrived too late. Calleigh always dealt with personal issues privately, but she had retreated into herself to a degree he had never seen before. Horatio allowed his head to hit the wall behind him and closed his eyes, trying to figure out another way to reach out to her.  
  
He didn't know how long they sat there, side by side yet miles apart; only that her voice in the silence startled him once again.  
  
"I've been thinking about something I learned in Sunday School once, how evil is the depravation of good. Everything starts out good, but as evil creeps in, that good is diminished, bit by bit, until there's no good left and the thing ceases to exist."  
  
She had broken off, whether from lack of confidence or energy he couldn't tell. Not wanting her to slip back into her former state, Horatio tried prompting her.  
  
"Because evil is merely the absence of good and not an entity onto itself, just like darkness is the absence of light," he provided, offering thanks to God for Alexx, who had embroiled him in a similar conversation earlier that week.  
  
She nodded, once. Horatio prompted again, saying, "Tell me what it has to do with you, Calleigh." When she answered, he breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"That's me right now, wandering around in the darkness. So much of my life has been twisted or tainted, and what little piece of goodness I managed to carve out for myself since coming here has just been obliterated by bad judgment."  
  
"That's not true," he said forcefully. "Nothing important has been lost today, Calleigh."  
  
She finally looked at him. Horatio had expected anger in her eyes, had hoped for it, in fact. His concern was met only with emptiness. It filled her eyes and echoed in her voice, which reverberated with resignation.  
  
"Nothing is right. My reputation, my standing in the department, my effectiveness on the stand, they all amount to nothing now. People are going to look at me and wonder if I was in on it, ask themselves if I was stupid or lucky or guilty or just smart enough not to get caught. Any time I testify in court, some defense attorney is going to bring this up and try to make me look dirty in order to discredit the evidence."  
  
She said it all so matter-of-factly that Horatio was afraid. He tried to argue.  
  
"You know none of us believe that you had anything to do with it. No one who knows you would ever."  
  
She stopped him with a shake of the head, then leaned back to face the far wall again.  
  
"You may believe that I'm innocent of the crime, but you can't tell me no one wonders if I suspected anything. You know as well as I do we're trained to notice these things. Right now, everyone might be angry on my behalf and have staunch faith that I'm completely innocent, but that won't last long. Hell, if I'm wondering, they will, too. And what will happen then?"  
  
"Nothing, because it won't happen. We were all fooled, Calleigh, none of us saw it either."  
  
"Yes you did. You may not have known exactly what he was doing but you, Eric, Speed, Alexx, hell, even Valera in DNA tried to warn me. And I turned my back on all of you."  
  
The last part she said quietly, almost a whisper. Suddenly she turned towards Horatio again, and this time, he saw emotion: a raw, burning pain mixed with self-hatred. It was the same combination he had seen in Ray's eyes the last time they had ever talked. Once he identified the look and got over the shock, he felt fear flood through him. She was on the brink, and if he didn't bring her back, he would lose her for good.  
  
"So let's take stock once again, shall we? I've ruined my reputation, chucked my friendships, and lost what little confidence I had in my ability to make sound judgments. Sounds like an absolute wipe to me. So what's left for me to come back for, Horatio? What good is there left for me?" 


	4. Part 4

Refuge 4/4 By koaladeb  
  
Disclaimer information in part 1  
  
~~~~~  
  
A dozen ways to answer her question swirled around in Horatio's brain, each playing out with possible consequences in an instant. One choice stood out as the most basic, the most honest way to respond, but carried with it the most risk.  
  
If he had thought about it, he would not have done it. But the combination of the look in her eyes, the desperation in her voice, and the fear in his heart erased all doubt and decided his course of action.  
  
"This," he said, before leaning over and gently touching her lips with his own.  
  
It was not a passionate kiss, nor was it filled with desperation. It was unwavering, confident, soft and sweet, filled with promise, absent of apology. Horatio kept it light and short, not wanting to overwhelm her or attempt to replace her feelings of distress with passion. Above all, he was trying to give her an honest answer, one that had to be communicated in actions instead of words.  
  
The contact lasted only a brief moment, but when he pulled away he could see Calleigh had closed her eyes, and as he continued to look, tears slipped through her lids and began tracking down her face. Horatio could see how tightly she was holding on to her control and decided to push further, knowing she needed to let go.  
  
He pulled her into his arms, increasing his hold on her when she tried to pull away. Tossing the bag of food off the bed and grabbing Calleigh's knees, he pulled her legs across his body before drawing her head to rest against his shoulder and chest. He cradled her as much as their position could allow.  
  
"Let it out, Calleigh, just let it out," he said.  
  
He could feel it when she finally released her pent-up pain. Tremors coursed through her whole body and he could hear soft gasps turn into wrenching sobs. He began to whisper words of comfort and stroke her hair, her back, any part he could reach while still holding her tightly against him.  
  
Eventually, the shaking subsided, and the sobs diminished into ragged breaths. Horatio continued to sustain his grasp on her, letting her know he would anchor her through the emotional aftermath now the worst of the storm had passed.  
  
"Why are you here?" It was the same question she had asked earlier, but this time, he could hear gratitude and a measure of peace in her voice instead of that aching hollowness.  
  
"Because you were what pulled me back when I went through this after Ray," he answered. "Because I knew there was a chance this could destroy you. Because I couldn't bear to lose the one person in this world who means everything to me."  
  
This time, when Calleigh pulled away, he let her, understanding she would need space and perspective to weigh his answer.  
  
She looked into his eyes, searching to find validity in the words he offered. Horatio let himself be completely open to her examination, taking in the sight of the red that framed her puffed up, bleary eyes. Even after crying, Calleigh was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  
  
After a couple of minutes, she sighed and closed her eyes, then reclaimed her previous position in Horatio's arms, laying her head in the hollow between his neck and shoulder this time. Her arms were draped loosely around his sides again, and even though Horatio knew he was supposed to be the one offering comfort, he couldn't help but feel comforted himself, as though Calleigh was holding him as well, with what little strength she had left in her. He marveled at her beauty once again, this time, the beauty of her heart.  
  
"Tell me about Ray," she asked quietly.  
  
Horatio complied, knowing she needed this sign of trust in order to open up about her own experience.  
  
"You know he died under somewhat. suspicious circumstances," he stated.  
  
Calleigh thought back to a conversation she had with Eric the previous year. He had come to her asking about Ray, and Calleigh had told him, "I don't think anybody knows the truth of Raymond Caine. Not even Horatio." She merely nodded against his neck, not wanting to interrupt his thoughts.  
  
"The autopsy showed he was high on meth at the time of his death. There was no way to find out if he was using or if it was an attempt to make him look dirty, so IAB went about trying to find out. I swear; those people have no concept of common decency. I had just lost my brother, the last of my immediate family, and they wanted to do nothing but question me about Ray's actions. Those first couple weeks were spent making funeral arrangements, being grilled by IAB, packing up his belongings, working shifts."  
  
"You had no time to assimilate what had happened and grieve, did you?" Calleigh asked.  
  
"No, I didn't." He felt Calleigh pull tighter against him and his pain lessened at the memory. He squeezed her back and placed a kiss on the top of her head before continuing.  
  
"That's why I took a week off after everything was over. I was where you were earlier. I wasn't sure of anything anymore, whether Ray had turned, if it had become too much for him to handle. I wanted to think so badly he was a good cop right until the end, but I couldn't be sure, and I felt like I was betraying him by not taking his side. I second-guessed every decision I had ever made with him, every conversation we had those last months, every occasion when I even saw him. I felt like I was a failure as a brother, and it made me question my ability to understand the individuals in my life, my ability to read people in general, my ability to do my job."  
  
"Your reputation was tainted by your association with Ray, you had no family left to turn to, no friends you thought you could confide in, and no faith in yourself. Sounds frighteningly familiar. That week you took-you ran, didn't you? Just like me."  
  
"Yes. Though I actually made it to Key West," he teased. He felt Calleigh snort and shake him a little bit. He tilted his head so he could rest it on Calleigh's. They sat that way for a few moments.  
  
"I thought about quitting," he told her honestly. "I thought I had nothing to go back for. My purpose wasn't clear to me anymore, and I didn't believe in my own abilities."  
  
"So what made you come back?" Calleigh asked.  
  
"You," he said simply. "My third day out, you called my cell to tell me about a case you were working on. I don't even remember the details, just that there were some technical ballistics details that had gotten you all fired up and you were thrilled when you pieced it all together. I remember there was something in your voice, the passion you had for the job and the way you wanted to involve me and ask my opinion even though it was your area of expertise. It made me want to come back just to be around you, to absorb some of that dedication and passion and reclaim it for myself. And when I did, you never wavered, never doubted, never questioned. Your faith in me gave me back my faith in myself, and your compassion and caring gave me back my hope."  
  
He heard a sniff and looked down to see Calleigh had tears streaking down her face again. He started to apologize, but she stopped him with a hand over his mouth.  
  
"Don't apologize," she said. "You just gave me the most incredible gift. I never knew."  
  
Horatio placed a soft kiss on Calleigh palm and threaded a hand through her hair, pulling it away from her face and settling it over her shoulder. He gave her a small smile and wiped the last of the tear tracks from her eyes.  
  
"Ok, I shared," he said. "Now it's your turn."  
  
He wasn't surprised when Calleigh buried her head in his shoulder again. He hadn't been able to look into her eyes when he was speaking, either. He knew he would have found compassion and support there, but that kindness would have made him unable to finish, and it was the same for Calleigh. He held her even tighter, if that was possible, attempting to give her some of his strength.  
  
"My story is similar to yours," she said. "When I found out what John was, I was in shock, and before I had the chance to even process the information, I was being ordered to recount, in detail, every minute I had spent with him over the course of our entire acquaintance. They kept asking me how I didn't know, why I didn't suspect. Pretty soon the voices asking those questions weren't the IAB guys, they were inside my head."  
  
"So the first chance you got, you took off," Horatio supplied.  
  
"Yeah. The worst part is, I knew something like this could happen. There was an arrogance about him that only comes with feeling superior and powerful, of looking down on certain people, and you can't serve justice with that attitude. He reminded me of my father-they have that same arrogance, blindness, weakness, whatever you want to call it."  
  
Horatio suddenly understood. "You wondered how you could have not picked up on it in Hagan after escaping it from your father." Her silence was his answer, and he pushed her back a little so he could look into her eyes and tell her something.  
  
"You are not the same person who left Louisiana. You are different, stronger, wiser, and even more wonderful, if that's possible. Trusting someone, looking and hoping for the best in them, believing in them despite their weaknesses, these are not flaws. They're the qualities that saved me, that made me fall in love with you."  
  
Calleigh heard his words and let them fill the gashes that had been ripped into her heart, both years before and just that morning. His words had power because they were spoken in love and because she knew he meant every single one of them-she could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes; she could even feel it in the way he held on to her.  
  
She couldn't express the emotions that had now taken up residence in her heart. They were too light, too peaceful and gentle to be disturbed with description, so she took a page from Horatio's book and let actions speak on her behalf.  
  
She reached up and touched his face, exploring its contours and definitions. With wonder she traced his eyebrows, the line of his nose, the fullness of his mouth. After learning his face anew by sight and touch, she leaned in to rediscover its taste.  
  
The kiss was once again gentle, but on this occasion no one pulled back for a long time. Calleigh loved the fact that Horatio applied no pressure, making no attempt to lay claim to her with the kiss. She wasn't ready, and he wasn't willing for this new development to advance any further just yet. Later, once everything was out in the open, desire would have its reign, but for now, all they needed was simple contact, an affirmation of hope confirmed, of feelings requited.  
  
When they finally did break apart, Calleigh looked over at the small alarm clock and was shocked to discover it was well past midnight. She reluctantly pulled back from Horatio.  
  
"What do we do now?" she asked.  
  
Horatio shrugged. "I signed us both out and everyone is making sure we're not called in on anything for the next couple of days. We can go back tonight if that's what you want, or we can stay here and get some sleep."  
  
Calleigh looked around the room and frowned. "I'd rather stay and get some sleep, but I didn't bring anything with me."  
  
Her reply was met with a nod of understanding. "I didn't bring anything either," Horatio said, "I was too busy trying to locate a certain ballistics expert."  
  
Calleigh sighed and settled back into Horatio's embrace. Her next comment was soft, muffled by his shirt and her weariness.  
  
"I'm glad you found me."  
  
Horatio rested his head on top of Calleigh's. "I'll always find you. Come on, let's get some sleep."  
  
Looking down, he could see she was already halfway there. With a smile, Horatio resettled her to a reclined position and worked the covers down. He gently removed her shoes and covered her with the light blanket before removing his own. Locking the door and turning out the light, Horatio took a deep, cleansing breath and climbed into the bed.  
  
Pulling her closer, Horatio wrapped his arms around Calleigh and took a moment to remind himself he was not dreaming. Even in the darkened room, he could see the outline of her form, smell her shampoo, feel the warmth of her body next to his, hear her soft exhalations as her breathing continued to adopt the deep and steady rhythm of sleep. If he concentrated, he could even taste traces of her on his lips.  
  
Focusing on the beautiful simplicity of the moment, he was unprepared for Calleigh to make one last attempt at conversation.  
  
"What will we do tomorrow?" she mumbled.  
  
"Whatever you want," he replied quietly back to her. "We can stay here, go home, or just take a couple of days and play tourist, if that's what you want."  
  
Calleigh sighed and tilted her head up, eyes still closed, to place a soft kiss on his jaw. "I want to spend time with you," she answered, settling back into her previous, comfortable position. "We still have things to talk about." Her voice faded out and her breathing once again sought a steady cadence.  
  
Horatio tightened his grip, allowing his eyes to close as well. "We will," he promised to her quietly. "But for now let's just sleep."  
  
Her response was to make one last attempt at cuddling closer before gliding into unconscious rest, establishing a harmony of contact to match a mind and heart at peace. Horatio smiled before joining her in sleep, finding his own refuge in the promise of a new day. 


End file.
